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This next bit of mine
is about names that seemingly have fallen off the face of the earth.
I'll just do male names, because quite frankly, females are insane and
cannot be trusted. So, anyways, without further ado, here are some names
that I feel should be more common.
Otis - Now here's a classic. When I hear this name, I think
of a dude with glasses sitting on a porch. Where would it fit in today's
world? I don't know. Probably nowhere, but who cares? It's Otis. How
many peeps do you know named Otis who haven't died?
Bruce - Ah, now there's a name! I've always wanted a friend
named Bruce. Probably just so when he fucked up, I could say,
"Don't bring me down, BRUUUUUUUUCE!" Then probably
throw in a subtle "you dick" at the end.
Lionel - Yeaaaaaaaah. The fearless leader of the
Thundercats! A dead show, and a dead name. Bring it back! If any woman
who got knocked up lately is reading this, which I highly doubt,
especially with the crudity of that last bit, bear this name in mind.
Maurice - Not exactly dead, it just seems to have shifted
race. There are many more African-Americans these days with the name
Maurice than there are Caucasians. To counter this, I suggest a takeover
of the name Jamal. Sound fair?
Ahab - Name one Ahab you've ever met. If you immediately
think of the famous Captain, my point is proven. You don't know him. You
never did. You probably will when you go to hell, assuming he was real.
I don't think he was.
Cecil - That's one that rolls right off the tongue, right?
Apparently not in hospitals, where babies are born. Well, most. Some
were born in odd places, and that's probably where we have so many
crappy names, like Jordan and Fran.
Edwin - Edwin is an awesome name. Prime example? When my
friend purchased a switchblade and wanted a name for it, I pitched
"Sir Edwin Longshanks". It was immediately eaten up, and to
this day, Sir Edwin Longshanks is respected.
Harvey - Sure, we all know of a Harvey. But do we REALLY?
No, he's a character from a Batman movie. It's the ideal name for a
private eye/forensic scientist though. So, if you feel like your baby
will one day grow up to solve the mysteries of why people with the
aforementioned names were killed, you've got a Harvey.
Wilbur - Commonly attributed to a pig, the name Wilbur has
unlimited potential. Would you like to know why? Because the only famous
Wilbur I know of helped invent flight. And the only reason I know that
is because I was born in Dayton, where the Wright Brothers were from.
His brother's name, Orville, should never be uttered, unless when
speaking of popcorn.
John Wilkes Boothe - One man had this name. And you've
heard of him. If you had this name, people would know of you, too. So
you're jealous by default.
Mortimer - When I hear this name, I immediately think of a
knight on a bridge over a moat, fending off all enemies who face him.
Even dragons. And we all know dragons are not easily made wary. Thus,
the name itself is badass, and should not be taken lightly.
Kenneth - Kenneths always look weird, but someone has to to
make the rest of us look good.
Glenn - Glenn is the name of an astronaut. Or his last
name. Regardless, astronauts are cool because at some point in their
lives, they get to float around freely without a care in the world.
Except for the fact that if they miscalculate, they could be burned up
upon re-entry.
Björn - Awesome. Purely just... awesome. I can't even type
those ö's, so even I am sourly wading in a pool of jealousy.
Felix - Given the chance, Felix could be a very popular
name. Sadly enough, it has not been given that chance in probably 50
years. I believe it's part of a government conspiracy, but what do I
know? I'm drunk.
Cliff - Fuck Clifford, Cliff abbreviates. Cliff is a
rugged, rocky-sounding name. Probably because yes, it is a geographical
feature. But if you could be given the name Rock, would people not fear
you? I think they would. And I also think if you disagree, you're
retarded.
Herbert - Unlike Cliff, Herbert does not abbreviate and go
by Herb. The answer to why is simple. With Herb, you drop the
"H", and it becomes "Erb". Herb is something some
choose to smoke. Herbert is one who chooses to kick ass.
Leonard - While when I hear this name, I think of an
awesome 70's porno mustache, it doesn't always have to be THAT superb a
name. It can become Leo, which is a constellation, and one of the ninja
turtles. He'll rip you up with his jogging shorts that reveal more body
hair than a spectator would like to bargain for.
Grover - Sesame Street aside, the raspy voice that this
name would forever be linked to could be utilized as a weapon of fear.
If you introduced someone to a Grover, they'd automatically assume he
talks like an over-caring monster fighting the decay in his throat that
was caused by eating things that were on fire as an act of sheer bliss.
Grovers are fucking crazy, you can bank on it. There are probably a ton
of them, but they're just not allowed into today's society, and are
confined to some sort of padded facility.
So, there you have it. My list of names that I think should be
more common in today's culture. As always, if you don't care, the fact
remains you read this entire article. And if not, you at least scanned
it and noticed this little part right here that proves to the whole
universe that you cared enough to see what was at the bottom, regardless
of you not liking the article. In any event, I win, and you suck.
P.S. I actually love you.
