First of all, let me
say that I'm not a pussy. Well, I am, but only when it comes to the
devil, ghosts, being possessed and women. They're all very similar in
one way, fucking evil.
Not once in my life have I ever considered myself anything close
to religious, not even "spiritual", and that's why my fear of
being possessed is even more fucked up. I'm a pretty mellow guy, but the
second someone mentions "Emily Rose" or "The
Exorcist" you can bet you'll see a nice yellow stream of liquid
exiting from the bottom of my newly soaked jeans. I've seen both of
those movies, by the way. And they should have never been made.
Whoever got the bright idea to put those movies into theaters is wrong
in the head. I can't handle even thinking or talking about being
possessed, but I'm sucking it up, just for you. Just so you can read
this and laugh at me, laugh and laugh until you realize that you know
what, it's a pretty rational fear. Why? You may ask, well, I'm going to
tell you, so sit back, grab a Bible and start prayin', asshole.
I know some certain people who are afraid of more everyday things.
Spiders, death, murderers, thunder storms, etc. Hell, I even know a
certain someone who is legitimately scared of ZOMBIES. That's right,
zombies. But you know what, none of those compare to the fear of ghosts,
the devil, and being possessed. How many stories have you heard of a
person killing a spider? Tons, right? But every story ends pretty much
the same, the person kills it, winces, and whines about it. But the fact
is, the little shit is dead and gone. He was controlled. How about
people being scared of murderers or hell, even zombies? True, those are
pretty freaky things, but those are things that can be controlled, or
something you at least have a chance with. If a murderer is coming after
me, I have the ability to grab a weapon and defend myself, or kick him
in the nuts, or spit in his eye. Anything. With a zombie, even though
they're scary looking, are (supposedly) stupid. So you've got a great
chance of survival there, especially if you own this book:
You hit the zombie in the head and kill the brain, according to
this book, and he's done, gone forever. FUCKING DEAD. See the common
things linking all this together? all these things can be killed, all
these things have the chance to be put under YOUR control. Well, what
about ghosts, the devil, or being possessed? Exactly, no chance in hell
(pun intended, stupid, I know) you're going to control that shit. NO
CHANCE.
So what do you do if, say, the devil starts messing with you? not
much you can do. Face it, wherever you go, he'll be there, he's the
devil, he pretty much can do whatever he damn well pleases. If you're on
his list of "Shit To Destroy" for the day, guess what? Lights
out pal.
And then there's ghosts. So many people believe in them, so many
don't. To each their own, right? But what if you're sitting there,
reading this, and some happy-ass ghost comes up and starts throwing all
those books off your shelf? What are you going to say? "Wow, look
at that. Anyway..." No, you're going to shit yourself. And the only
way to avoid that ghost is to get up and move out. But that's not a
reasonable solution. Not many people have the resources to just move
because some jackass ghost got bored in your house. So, you're screwed.
You're stuck living with a ghost who has an attitude problem, and would
you look at that, no way to control him. He's just going to fuck shit up
all day long, and keep laughing all night long as you cry under your
sheets in fear.
Then, there's the worst, POSSESSION. That's right, I said it. I'm
scared to talk about it, it's wrong, and it shouldn't be talked about,
but FartStock gets what he wants, and he wants me to shit myself to
create some good-ass content. Being possessed is the worst out of
anything supernatural. You have NO say in it, it just fucking happens,
you can't prevent it, you never know if it can happen to you, and what's
worse? You apparently don't remember your time being possessed. So, one
day, you come to, and you've got fucked up marks all over your body,
blood all over you, family members scared shitless of you and a room
with a totaled bed. Congratulations, you ruined your life. Then your
friends call after it's all over with,
"Hey man, where ya
been?"
"Oh, hey, yeah, I've been possessed, sorry."
"Haha, no, seriously."
"Yeah... no, seriously. The devil fucked me up"
*click*
And that's it.
Everyone is scared of you. And what about when it first comes to you? Is
it like the movies where you feel it, and you just know in those last
moments you're getting bent over and screwed by Satan, or is it just,
"hey, I feel funky, JESUS FUCK ME!" like in "The
Exorcist". I don't really know, and you know what, I hope I never
know.
Like I mentioned in the beginning of this, I'm not religious, but
like I've told so many people about my fear, I believe in this type of
shit enough to not mess with it. I hope you learned that lesson from
this. I don't want to get some e-mail from you saying, "Hey Mike,
bad news, I'm kind of possessed, what do I do?" I'll respond with a
"Jump off a fucking cliff, asshole" because I refuse to deal
with that crap.
Remember this article. Learn from it. And if you don't see any
content from me for over a month, you know what happened to me. I'm
convinced some of this bad shit is going to happen to me.
