Eraserhead sucks.
Plain and simple. I had to stretch this flaming pile of shit over three
nights because I honestly could not take more than half an hour at a
time. First off, the camerawork sucks balls. Literally. I saw it
backstage. Somehow, this movie is a cult classic because it is
"artistic" and "open to many interpretations". Well,
guess what? My representation is that it sucks ass.
First of all, the main character's haircut is abysmal. Come on,
the sideburns are cool, but the hair that is as big as your entire
fucking head? Lame. He walks like he's nervous. I would be too, if I was
in this movie. It'd mean the end of my career as an actor. He has soil
in his bedroom. Yeah, soil. I never understood why. Maybe I'm not
"creative" enough. Or, hey, maybe I just don't like shitty
cinema with little to no explanation as to why stupid shit occurs.
So this movie was made in 1977. No doubt everyone who was involved
was into drugs. Heavy drugs. And we all know the only totally awesome
thing to ever come from heavy doses of drugs was the intro from the
kids' show "Reading Rainbow" back in the 90s. And even that
made more sense than this movie.
On a high note, at one point, the dude's head falls off. It just
falls right off. I was thinking to myself, "Awesome! This is the
end! I can finally go to sleep now!" But NO. It continued. Some
asshole turned his head into pencils after it fell from a radiator onto
the street in some completely retarded dream world. Or something. I
dunno, I wasn't really paying attention. While that seems like good
news, he then wakes up.
I feel I've failed to mention that this guy's baby is an alien.
Why? I don't know. Because nobody else would agree to act in such a
crappy feature film? There is also wind blowing constantly in the
background. This is OK, as it makes you focus on the wind that's
constantly blowing in the background rather than what's going on in the
movie. Trust me, you'll want to focus on the wind. It's the best part,
besides the aforementioned sideburns.
Nobody ever questions why the baby is an alien. Or how it came to
be. Who would have intercourse with this man?
If not solely for the sideburns, then why? The baby is wrapped in
bandages, which the main character (I don't care what his name is) later
cuts off, much to the child's dismay. Oh, shit! It seems the bandages
were the child's skin! You can see it's organs and everything
afterwards, but the baby (and the movie) continue. Then Mr. Main Fuck
(I'll name him whatever I damn well please) cuts into the baby's
"heart". And it doesn't die right away. It continues its
annoying crying rampage it had throughout the film. And it ruined a nice
pillow with all the blood it spit out. Fucking alien babies.
It then overflows with mashed potatoes. Or what seemed to be
mashed potatoes. I hate mashed potatoes, and would never eat them,
unless someone gave me the choice of eating an entire planet made of
them or watching Eraserhead again. Speaking of planets, a planet then
breaks, which made no sense. Then some dude who looks like he spent an
entire year rolling around in poison ivy is pulling some levers, as the
main dude hugs a chick with huge cheeks. I have no idea why. I seldom
watched the last part, because it was so stupid. However, at this point,
I felt overcome with joy. Not because they were hugging, but because it
was finally over. The lame credits rolled with bland piano music, and I
cried tears of joy.
Until next time, I hope you don't watch Eraserhead. If you do, go
to hell. I warned you not to, you assholes.
