Hello, my name is
Dave. I am 19 years old, but many people perceive me as older. Why? I
don't know. Perhaps it's because I drink like a champ, or because I have
a mohawk. Regardless, I'm Dave. I'm a rugby player. You may be thinking,
"What the fuck is rugby?" Well, I'll tell you. It's God's gift
to this earth, besides myself. What do my hobbies include? What's my
background? How did I become so delightfully tacky? I'll tell you. Just
hold the fuck on and keep reading, you greedy asshole.
Well, as you may have read previously, I drink like a champ. In
fact, I'm writing this biography drunk. That's right. And I doubt
spellchecker will be able to aid in the finding of typos in this bio.
That's my way of sticking it to life. Take that, bitch. I have perfected
the art of drunken typing over many moons of practice and dedication.
And drunkenness.
I was born in a city in central Ohio called Dayton. That town
sucks. Never go there. If you do, don't blame it on the fact that I was
born there. You'll find no landmarks (yet) and will most likely be shot.
However, if you search the suburbs, you'll find where I called home for
the first 10 years of my life. Around the time I was 10, I moved to a
place called Sylvania, outside of Toledo. There, I grew up as an
overweight,
shy child who never spoke to anyone outside my immediate family and
friends. Then, around the time I was 14, I moved to Orange County,
California, and life as I know it changed.
When I arrived in California, I was plagued with the nickname
"Ohio". Why? I don't know. Perhaps because that's where I was
from, and the
term "nerd" had become taboo. It's true, I was a nerd. Still a
hefty young lad with glasses, I found it hard to make friends in the
Southern California society of the rich and popular. By the time
freshman year rolled
around, I met a strange character named Mike who would change my life
forever. In the most heterosexual way possible. He was a douche to me at
first, this Mike. Probably because I was a nerd. And shy. And
non-social. I dealt with it until sophomore year. There, I finally
reacted. I felt it was time to get out of my glasses, get some contacts,
and begin my social adventure. So I began to hang out with Mike on a
regular basis. He was my first true friend in the state of California,
and to this day, he remains my best. Through lunches of shenanigans and
turmoil, we became close, and he introduced me to some characters he
knows, such as FartStock.com's own Rosie.
High school then became an adventure for the former nerd you have
come to know so well. Yes, in 4 short paragraphs, you know me. Don't
argue it, you dick/bitch. I don't know your gender, so bear with me and
choose the correct adjective. Ass/Whore. I began socializing, meeting
new friends, hanging out, having a good time. My grade point average
dropped
significantly, and I didn't care anymore. I talked back to teachers. I
began doing crazy things. I lost my flub and began getting into
athletics, namely rugby. It was an awesome experience, and I recommend
it. If
you don't play rugby, you're a vagina. It's true. I've seen it before.
Regardless of my way of thinking, rugby kicks ass, and it's a universal
truth. Ask God, he'll tell you. I then began reveling in the adventures
of badassedness and sipping from the goblet of fate. Come senior year, I
was a regular party animal, a tank in the ways of drinking, and I
finally got a job with a nationwide retailer. More on that later, I'm
sure. Currently, I am a student of a community college (on
occasion) and a fan of REAL sports (where people are encouraged to
hit/injure others). I am brutal.
I look forward to contributing to FartStock.com. I hope you enjoy
it as well. If not, you can go fuck yourself. Seriously.
