Yeah, that's right, I watched the original "Black Christmas" and guess what? It probably sucks just as much as the recent one. First, Dave is ruined by "Eraserhead" and now I was lucky enough to join him in being tortured by this piece of trash. I can't believe this movie is supposed to be one of the scariest, best shot horror flicks out there. The Exorcist was much better, and that's coming from me, the guy scared shitless of that type of stuff. 

 If you haven't heard about the new flick, then I suppose I ought to fill you in on a bit of the plot, eh? No, I'm not Canadian. I never even say "eh?", I just type it, like a Canadian, I don't know why. This movie is based around a sorority house filled with wild young college girls and a drunk old lady that runs the joint. So, as a guy, your first thought is, nice! Some hot ladies, right? Well, you're half-right, if that's possible. Out of all these chicks living in this little house, there's one good-looking one, and lucky for us, she's the main character, and just to save you from wetting your pants in suspense, she lives. SCORE. And who might that one main girl be? Well, gentleman, allow me to answer your question:

Yep, that's right. Olivia Hussey, the chick who played Juliet in the old school version of "Romeo & Juliet". I remembered her right away, and you know how? I remember seeing her boobs Freshman year in English class. We were watching her in "Romeo & Juliet" when at one point, her boobsicles are in your face. 

 So, at least you have her and her British, I think it's British, well, it's some accent, you have her and her accent to enjoy. It helps shield your mind from the torture it endures from watching this piece of crap movie. Some people might say, "Well, Mike, you don't know good cinema, you're stupid and not artistic." to which I respond, "Fuck you." Sure, I'm not artistic, but I know what's entertaining and what isn't. This isn't, at least not in the way it was intended to be. Not once was I scared, or even interested during this movie. Dave and I just sadly sat there, ripping on this flick, making ourselves laugh at it's absurdity.

 This wonderful movie opens up at this sorority house. Chicks are getting wasted, things are looking promising. But that notion is quickly squashed when they introduce the killer. Dave's brother Matt made a great observation about this killer. The scene was being filmed from the killer's point of view, so you never see the killer. That's all fine and well, but why is the camera at a midget's height? I have nothing against "little people", but I highly doubt they as talented of murders as a taller, normal-sized man would be. But then again, I suppose they'd have a bit more hate towards the world, but that's for another day. 

I'm not making fun of midgets, but I just don't see one of these guys climbing the side of a house, breaking in, and trying to kill me. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong? 

 The camera angle is supposed to be first-person from the killer's eyes as he approaches the house. While he's apparently either, being a midget or crouching yet moving surprisingly fast, he's also panting, moaning, groaning and I think it was supposed to be scary, but it really wasn't, it was laughable. His "noises" made me laugh, that's not the objective of scary movies, is it? But then again, this crap was made in the 70's. So this fruitcake of a murderer is walking up to this house of partying girls, all panting and shit and he starts to crawl up a trestle(is that even the right word? I'm too lazy to look it up, but those wooden things vines grow on, you know, no? Alright, forget it) on the side of the house to get inside. So, he gets in, blah blah. 

 Olivia is there with all her dorky friends, including one girl with glasses and a huge nose (can't find a picture of her, sorry dork-lovers!). I couldn't wait for her to get killed. Beer goggles wouldn't even help this chick, but that is neither here nor there. The partying is going on and they get the cliché phone call, except they can't even get that right. They pick up the phone and what happens? This murderer is on the line. Does he have a cell phone in the attic (that's where he went)? How the hell does this midget get a hold of a phone to call them? Sorry, my logic is showing, no room for that nonsense in this movie. When they pick up, this guy just starts rambling, yelling, changing voices, but it's not scary. And I get scared when people speak in many different voices, but not this assclown. He just keeps babbling about "pussy" and "cock", so needless to say, he's a real class-act. These phone calls continue until one, where he really goes on and on about sexual stuff, it's not even graphic and shocking, it just makes you laugh and think of what a pervert this guy is. Eventually, the drunk-leader of the girls says something like, "Screw you!" and then he pauses, everything is silent, and in a completely casual voice, the murderer just says, "I'm going to kill you." And I apologize, but sometimes it MUST be used: WTF. So, this guy builds himself up to be some monster, then when the climax comes, he calmly tells them he's going to kill them? I mean, this wasn't even "Scream" level, this was worse than that. At least in that movie the guy tried to sound scary. Not this guy, he just said it as if he was ordering a pizza (a pizza-pie! Yipee! I wish I was Italian).

 As the plot begins to thicken, your typical horror movie stuff begins with things escalating to the first murder. Some girl, at the end of the night of partying, goes up to her room alone, as usual. She hears a rustle in her closet, investigates thinking, for some odd reason, it'd be her boyfriend. Guess what happens? Go ahead, guess. Yep, the guy pops out and strangles her with a plastic bag. The product? Check it out:

AHHH!!! I scared the shit out of you, didn't I? I got ya! What? No? Not at all? Yeah, they didn't get me either. I tried though.

 There you have it. The first murder, and it couldn't happen quick enough. I was excited for the rest of the drunk girls to get the chop, this movie needed to end (only, of course, if Olivia made it out alive). And you know what, I'll be honest, the rest of the movie is quite dry. Except for one thing. Olivia's boyfriend. Apparently, Olivia is pregnant, and she is going to have an abortion, but he isn't having any of it. So, you think, it's gotta' be him, he's gotta' be the murder. He isn't. He is killed in the end by Olivia simply because she thought he was the killer, so she naturally doesn't go to jail. According to this movie, if you murder someone, just blame it on, "Oh, I thought they were the murderer" you'll get off, not even a slap on the wrist. I guess it doesn't hurt to be a good looking lass like Olivia Hussey, either. But back to the boyfriend. Throughout the movie, they keep flashing to him playing the piano, ruining his piano, flipping out about his piano, talking about his piano. You start to think the piano has some meaning. I don't think it does. I think it was a sad attempt at shock and horror. 

 People continue to get murdered in moronic ways, but what else do you expect? Their dropping like flies, the police get involved trying to track this murderer's calls and see where they are coming from and yep, you guessed it, IT'S FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE, OH NO. Olivia hears this, goes upstairs to check on her friends (who have been murdered, big nosed-glasses chick included) and she opens a door to her friend's room and hit's the murderer. What does he do? What does this big, bad, tough murderer do? He yelps like a little girl, as if the door is made out of spikes. He's all throwing a temper tantrum while she runs downstairs into the basement and the killer gives chase. He tries to catch up, but ends up breaking some non-visible China or something, because there's a bunch of crashing sounds off camera while the fruit runs around yelping like a schoolgirl. Thankfully, Olivia reaches the basement safely, where the boyfriend comes in and blah blah, he ends up dead and the police save the day. 

 In the end, they try to add a nice little twist. The whole movie, they're trying to sell you on thinking the boyfriend is the killer, but if you're smart enough, you realize he isn't. If you realize that, you won't be too surprised. As Olivia is sleeping after her stressful night of killing her boyfriend, whom she thinks was the killer, they show the attic door which is open and then up into the attic where he is holding his victims. Yeah, the police just gave up on trying to find the bodies, who cares, right? The midget-killer is sitting there, talking about crap, trying to be spooky with his plethora of dead bodies as the film fades out. Oh wow, he's still alive, how clever. Yikes...

 This movie sucked. Olivia Hussey ruled, and it was a movie to make fun of every two seconds, but it wasn't even that great for that. I just want to end this by sending out a big thanks to Mrs. Hussey for her pulling Dave, Matt and I through this film. Thank you, Olivia. And I leave you with this:

Admit it, you're picturing yourself in her arms right now. Pervert.